The Questionless Conversation

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation trying to get to know someone and end up feeling like you’re giving them the third degree? Or you keep getting one word answers like, “yup, nope, good, nah” etc. Honestly, I can understand the frustration on both sides. The question asker is frustrated by not really getting anything of value and the questioned is annoyed by the persistent assaults on the castle of his private life.
I would like to propose that the questionless conversation could be a liberating alternative to its mutually frustrating counterpart, which I affectionately call the interrogation. First of all, it is important to know the theology and heart behind the questionless conversation. If the foundation of it is well understood and put into practice then there will be much more freedom in your methodology as long as your heart is in the right place.
The basis of a good conversation is connection with the heart as opposed to a collection of information. If we think about the way that God draws us into relationship with Him, we realize that He does not demand much from us. Rather, He invites us into relationship with Him. He shows us His love through His Son and gives us the option to choose to respond with love or rejection. This is a risky approach, which is why I believe I tend to avoid it quite often in my relationship with others. It’s not fun being denied relationship when you extend an invitation. Yet, that’s exactly how God puts Himself out there. He has relinquished His total control of our response so that we can freely choose to connect with Him.
One reason I think specific questions are used in attempts to connect with people, is that the one asking the question has some control over what kind of response he or she gets. The questionless conversation relinquishes that control. Instead it seeks to express an interest in the other’s heart and allows them the freedom to respond at whatever level of depth they choose.
Imagine the person’s life is like a pantry with lots of shelves. On the top shelves they have small facts about themselves and their experiences. “I’ve been to France,” “I have three brothers,” and the like. As you go down to the middle shelves, you get the heavier items such as experiences themselves. This is where things begin to take the shape of stories. They might even have emotions attached to them and they could act as a window to the heart, but they are not the heart. Finally, at the bottom are the stories, the pains and the joys. These are the heavy items. When someone hands you one of these, it should always be treated as sacred, valuable, and private. Treating these with respect will affirm the person’s dignity and help you both connect with the heart God gave them.
If I were to barge into someone’s house and start asking for things from their pantry, what do you suppose they are likely to give me? As an intruder, I expect they would hand me the least valuable items, the facts. But what if I extended an invitation. Would you like to come over for a Barbeque? Bring something to share if you would like. Then, when they are free to share whatever they desire, one is far more apt to pick something from a lower shelf. Once they see how I treat that, they may bring something even more valuable the next time, or even invite me over. Then we have a true relationship beginning.
So how does this questionless conversation work practically? The first time I was asked to try this, I was frustrated because I didn’t have any other way of starting conversation. But I have since come up with a few alternatives that have more of a feel of an invitation than an interrogation. So here they are.
• The expression of interest: “I would love to hear about…”
This one is key; it’s the foundation of the others and makes people feel welcome to share freely. It can also be used to go deeper if you say something like “I would love to hear more about…”
• The invitation to depth: “Tell me more about…”
This one should be used cautiously with both tone and placement so that it’s not a demand. Use it to show that you heard what them and are interested.
• Curiosity: “I’m curious about…”
This shows that you have an interest in some aspect of the person’s life and invites them to share more without restrictions on what or how much they share.
• Wondering: “I wonder if _____ is connected with _______.”
This one is good for searching out connections between things without assuming that you know or have the answer. Invites the other to consider connections with you.
• Reframing: “It seems like you’re saying …”
This shows the person that you’ve been listening. It’s amazing how often this leads to deeper conversation simply because they know they are heard.
• Observation: “I noticed when you were talking, you said…” or, “I noticed you looked down when you started talking about…”
These ones can be particularly hard not to draw conclusions from. We may know or think we know what is happening, but it is still more inviting to allow them the option to explain from their perspective.

My hope is that you’ll take the challenge and try out this approach with some conversations with friends or strangers. When getting used to it, it can be fun to challenge yourself to see how long you can go in a conversation without asking a question. If you get stuck and can’t think of a non-question, don’t fret or freeze, just ask a question to keep things flowing and remember the principle of expressing an interest and inviting the other to share. As you have opportunity keep using the ideas above or improvise your own. See what works for you and enjoy. I trust it will give a new richness and life to your relationships.

The Christmas Presence

In the beginning, God was here, happy to just be with us. His creation was so good and he seemed to enjoy spending time with the piece of it that was specifically made in his image. But then man decided that he thought he could find a better god in himself, then when that failed in thousands of other “deities” throughout the millennia. Since God is a righteous and jealous God, he couldn’t just live here with people who were pushing him away. So he withdrew his presence from us but still kept a close watch over his prize creation.
Yet he was not content for it to stay that way. Being jealous for his people, He was determined to draw them back to himself so he could once again live among them. So He called out a people to be his own from among the nations and set them apart. He delivered them from incredible bondage by the mighty power of his hand and he made a covenant with them. He appeared in a huge storm cloud over the mountain with thunder and lightening and He gave them the law so they became the first people on earth to know exactly what God expected. Thus his people grew to know him like no other people since the beginning. Then, when they had agreed to abide by the covenant and make themselves a holy people, he told them to make him a special tent so he could come and live among them, almost like in the beginning. This tent was beautiful. It was constructed generous portions of fine gold, precious metals and fabric, every piece of which was a gift from the people who wanted to contribute to the construction of this new dwelling place of God. And so, through a system of blood shed for sin, separation by a veil and special intermediaries called priests, God was once again able to come and live among his people. His cloud came and filled the tent and his fire was seen burning in it every night. Yet it was not like the beginning because of the degrees of separation between him and his people. Especially when the people forgot the covenant and began sinning once again. Then God’s presence would lift from among them because they clearly did not want to live with Him. Along with it, would go his protection and provision, and the people would suffer.
Eventually, through many ups and downs, God brought his people into the land that he had promised them and established them in it largely by the hand of the mighty and obedient hand of King David, the “man after God’s own heart.” He wanted to build God a house so he wouldn’t have to live in a tent anymore, but God said, “No, But I will build you a house and your dynasty will last forever” So instead, his son built God a house which was one of the most beautiful buildings ever seen and God came and lived in the house which they called the temple and his presence was with his people there in Jerusalem. Yet there was a problem, the people still had rebellious hearts and they soon turned away from God once again. It was not long before it got so bad, that God had to remove both his people and his presence from the land in hopes of drawing them back to himself a few decades later.
It was around that time that the prophets wrote about a day when God would mend the core problem and give men new hearts to replace their rebellious ones. Only then could He hope to live among them forever. So although he brought his people back into their land and they rebuilt the temple there, that was not his final plan. Rather, they were to wait for one who was to come and change them from the inside.
So finally, on the chosen day, God came to earth; but this time, He’s not in a storm cloud with thunder and lightning, He’s not in a mysterious cloud living in a tent separated from his people, but rather in the form of a baby like one of our own. He so desired to just be with us, that he was willing to come right down to our level and be one of us. From there he went on to show us what kind of an abundant life we could be living with him as our master. He did the work that it took to give us new hearts, to the point of shedding his own blood. He walked with us stride for stride and being himself the cornerstone, he set the standard for the foundation stones of the apostles and prophets, and thus, the basis for a new building in which his presence could dwell among us. This would be the house he promised to David, but this house was not made from mere cloth, and skins; or even stones and cedar like the temple building. This time, his house is known as the church, its structure is the people of God who, together form the new dwelling place of the almighty right here on earth. It is not made from gifts of Gold or precious metals, but rather people who offer themselves willingly because they want to be a part of the house where they can invite people in to come and get to know the God who not only made them, but loves them more deeply than they can imagine.

Isolation vs. Solitude

I used to think that isolation makes for good solitude, 

Now I know that it just breaks relationships.

I love my students. That's the whole reason I moved here, I've left my old home and begun forging a new one. I've given of my time and resources. Pretty much everything the last few years has been dedicated to being able to serve my students better here at Tanalian Leadership Center. 

So then I have to ask myself, why is it that when they actually lived here with me, I kept finding myself pushing them away? Well, after a good summer of time to ponder, some bold people who are willing to speak truth into my life and more than a few encounters with the Word of God, I feel like I'm beginning to understand. The one phrase that kept playing through my mind since last spring was "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3)  Those words haunted me and they began to make all the times I said "no", "not now", "I need my sleep" or generally avoided connecting with people taste bitter in my memories. 

Something was wrong and had to change. 

I didn't get what it was yet because I always had a reason when I did those things. It was well thought out rational for every time. Usually it had something to do with taking care of myself and not letting people walk all over me and my boundaries. Boundaries are a good thing right? I had endless reasons for all of these choices but it wasn't till I listened to a book called "Crucial Conversations" that I had a lightbulb moment. That's when I realized that most of those reasons were made up after the fact as a justification or what they call a "clever story." My story sure sounded great but I made the choice because I was selfish then came up with the story about how it was unselfish afterward. 

So what was driving these choices besides just raw, fleshy selfishness. Well, I think it came from having a very introverted personality and feeling like I need lots of space to function well. My attitude was

"If I just keep people far enough away, perhaps I can have the solitude I need."

And while, yes, I need my solitude, it turns out that isolation is not the way to get it. I end up like Jonah. I wonder if he thought, 

"What I need is a nice vacation on the other side of the Medeterainian. Perhaps I'll hear God more clearly from over there perhaps he's not really telling me to do the last think in the world I would want to do." 

I don't want to be like that. 

I think what I need to learn to do is find true solitude at the proper times so I can connect with my Lord. I could take a lesson from Jesus on that. He had no problem dissapearing in the mornings to go to the garden and pray. I'm pretty sure he even turned his cell phone off (Gasp! It has that setting?) 

But then when I come back I need to remember the reason I'm here, to connect with the people I love, then do that.  

Omnipresence?

The other day in Bible class, as we were looking at the story of Job, one of my students asked, "How could Satan stand in the presence of God? I thought that God could not have evil in his presence?" We discussed that a little and it got me thinking. I eventually came to the other difficulty that God seems to be present everywhere and given the undeniable existence of evil, not only is evil allowed in the presence of God, but God's presence necessarily penetrates the territory of evil. And if God wanted to avoid evil, why in the world would he come to earth in the form of a human?

Thus was launched into pondering the true nature of the doctrine we call omnipresence which simply put, says God is everywhere. Well, that's nice and it's fitting for an all powerful God, but if we stop at simply everywhere, that kind of steals the thunder right out of the voice of God when he says that he will dwell in us and among us. Of course He does, He is everywhere, which means that he also dwells in and among Satan, his followers and the heathens right? Well, I'm hoping that his presence means something different among the wicked vs. his people. But what exactly is that difference?
Here's what my investigation turned up.

• At the burning bush, his presence made even the dirt holy.
• At the Exodus, he personally lead his people out in a pillar of cloud and fire (Ex 13:21)
• Later he had them build a special tent  so that he could dwell in that as they wandered the desert (Num 9:15) 

So it appears that He is present in specific places in a special way.

Once Israel enters the Promise Land, There are some rather comical stories about his presence in the Ark of the Covenant. I Sam 4 tells the story where Israel attempts to win a battle by bringing the Ark into the camp so that "their God would be with them," yet they were still defeated and the Ark was captured.
Apparently God wasn't in the box. 

But then the Philistines bring the Ark into the Temple of Dagon their pegan god and the idol ends up falling on it's face before the Ark.
So apparently God was in the box.

(O.K. brief pause for a cheesy joke. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and no head lying on the floor? A Da-gone Idol. Lol.)

Moving on.

Finally, when Israel settles down in the promise land and David brings enough stability to build Jerusalem as the capital, the Ark is moved there. David builds himself a nice house and then realizes that the Ark is still living in a tent. That's just not right. So he says I'm going to build God a house. At first he prophet Nathan says,
"sure, go for it."
 But then after actually talking with God, he comes back and says something to the effect of,
"just kidding, basically here's what God says,
'I'm going to build you a house in which you will have a ruler forever.'"
(Andrew's Paraphrased Version of II Sam 7)

 and along with that he says that David's son will build God's house, the temple. 

So the Temple is built and God shows up in his cloud again and makes himself at home in the temple, among his people in a special way. Yet YHWH doesn't seem to be contained by those beautifully decorated walls very well and still seems to have pervasive and perhaps even invasive presence in other places. 

• Jonah tries to run from his call to Nineveh and is thwarted by "YHWH, the God who made the land and the sea." The concept of which scared the pegan sailors right out of their canvas pants. 
• Clear over in Susa, Esther "just so happens" to be queen to a king who is tricked into ordering a genocide of the Jews, but it "just so happens" that the tables are turned and the provoker is poked / skewered on the gallows. 

So although God is aware of all things in all places at all times, and in some sense perhaps he is present, it appears that he likes to be present in a special way in certain places at certain times. Especially when it comes to being in and among his people. 

So what does this look like today?

Eph 2:19-22
"So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Chist Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit."
(ESV, Emphasis mine)

In the context, Paul is talking about the meaning of being one in Christ as the church. As we unite together in love as members of the church, we actually become the New Testament version of the temple. And just as God dwelt with his people and was present in a special way on in the temple he is present in a special way in united believers today.

Now as we unite, we are the house that was promised to David and Jesus is the king in the house.

And that's not even to mention the concept that we are also the body of Christ. (See the last sentence in Eph 1)